In taking on family life, I chose to renounce the world. Just as a nun or a monk renounces the world to gain intimacy with Christ in a concrete, all-encompassing manner, so have I left the world, and my home is where I seek Christ.
I feel that I have gifts to give, books to write and promote: but I have decided to set it all aside for the time being.
I have a temptation to "be me": do what I can do beyond being a wife and mother. After having been pregnant or holding an infant for over ten years, and now am not for the time being, I am feeling suddenly able to work in my community and on projects that I have always wanted to do. It is tempting.
But being in my home, prioritizing these relationships IS to do my best. It is the most sublime of all the things I can do.
Just as a monk renounces the world, not to retreat or hide, but to climb the highest heights of sanctity, and thus discards all encumbrances that weigh him down, such as money, worldly goods or ambition--so am I choosing the cloister of my home, and the worldly aspirations I could take on, in order to ascend to the heights of love and humility that God has chosen for me.
So I am going to postpone my writing projects and future presentations--which were going really well--for five years. I need to simplify.
Ultimately the reason rests in this verse: "Where your treasure is, there your heart lies also." My heart normally lies in finding intimacy with Christ through and in my family. If my heart becomes distracted from this goal, it is like leaving the monastery. I lose my peace.
It is time for me to go back the cloister.
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