Jake made the winning goal in his soccer game today, as well as the goal before that. The Falcons were down one, and Jake tied us up, and then scored again, just at the closing whistle. The team practically had him up on their shoulders, carrying him off the field!
One of the really competitive moms approached me and said, "Wow! The winning goal! You must be so proud! It's amazing to see Jake transform right before our eyes--think of where he was a year ago!" I have no pride--it is true that Jake was the worst player on the team for most of the three years we have been here. His first year, he tribbled the ball the wrong direction as often as he took it the correct direction, occasionally making a score for the other team. As his private coach, my first training session for him was to identify the jerseys of the goalies so as to decide which direction to take the ball. Today, by contrast, I was giving him instructions about scouting out a teammate before he passes, and where to stand relative to the goal if a teammate is throwing the ball onto the field so that Jake can score a goal. Jake is now one of the highest scoring members of his team. True, he is a year older and a foot taller than all of his teammates, but at least he is not that AND still struggling to keep up with the level of his teammates (which he was at the beginning of this season).
After the game, he was in the ecstatic state of glory, reveling in it all. I said, "Jake, you not only made the last two goals, but you passed the ball to the guy who scored the previous goal. So really, you participated in all three of your team's goals!"
He swiftly replied, "Yeah, and the other team scored their first goal when I was goalie. So in fact, I participated in almost every goal in the entire game!!"
We laughed and laughed together. I LOVE that kid.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
being a fish
Recently, I heard someone say, "I am more like a jellyfish than a fish. Jellyfish are carried by the current, whereas fish are more deliberate and decisive. Jellyfish probably think they have more control than they really do, but in fact, they are swept along most of the time."
The comment shocked me. I cannot express just how much of a fish I am. I am so much of a fish, there is almost not one minute of a single day that is an exception to this rule.
The way that this is true for me is by the direction of God. I do not feel that I am controlling everything about my day and my life--very little is my design. But I feel that God has desires for me. I am constantly reflecting on how God wants me to interact with others, how He wants me to be as I wash the dishes or pay the bills or teach someone their multiplication table. Am I being present to the other person? Do I seem distracted to them? Am I being grateful, or fearful, or joyful, or listless? If I am being fearful or anxious or angry, how would God like to be transform that into hope, or trust, or forgiveness?
There is a fishlike quality about the moment to moment aspect of my day, and also about the big picture of my life. What does God want me to hold as the primary goal? What should I be ambitious about? A huge upheaval took place in my twenties and again in my mid-thirties as I gave up certain ambitions and adopted other ones that I believe God wanted me to.
Again, being a fish for me is not being controlling. It is the opposite. I am responding to God who is in charge of my life. I feel very subservient, very small, very little. But the providence of God is not to be taken lightly. It is a very powerful force of Love that takes us out of ourselves and to a higher ground than we could have found of our own volition.
The comment shocked me. I cannot express just how much of a fish I am. I am so much of a fish, there is almost not one minute of a single day that is an exception to this rule.
The way that this is true for me is by the direction of God. I do not feel that I am controlling everything about my day and my life--very little is my design. But I feel that God has desires for me. I am constantly reflecting on how God wants me to interact with others, how He wants me to be as I wash the dishes or pay the bills or teach someone their multiplication table. Am I being present to the other person? Do I seem distracted to them? Am I being grateful, or fearful, or joyful, or listless? If I am being fearful or anxious or angry, how would God like to be transform that into hope, or trust, or forgiveness?
There is a fishlike quality about the moment to moment aspect of my day, and also about the big picture of my life. What does God want me to hold as the primary goal? What should I be ambitious about? A huge upheaval took place in my twenties and again in my mid-thirties as I gave up certain ambitions and adopted other ones that I believe God wanted me to.
Again, being a fish for me is not being controlling. It is the opposite. I am responding to God who is in charge of my life. I feel very subservient, very small, very little. But the providence of God is not to be taken lightly. It is a very powerful force of Love that takes us out of ourselves and to a higher ground than we could have found of our own volition.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
year of respect
I had a very special person in mind when I chose this year to be a year to work on respect--a woman in my community whom I dealt with in a way that disappointed me. I thought, "I should be able to respect all people, even if I do not have a natural affection for them."
As I have a spiritual goal for each year, this was my year, then, for respect. And so I have prayed for growth in this area and watched my failures as well as successes.
By the grace of God, I have just turned a major corner! I am so grateful--through NO effort on my own, but entirely by the workings of Providence, I was able to establish not only a friendship but a genuine liking for this person. I am amazed--it is as though God has used this circumstance to reveal to me how malleable and changeable human affections are, and how His power is so sublime over all things human. I feel like a small child in His perfect care, and I trust Him so fully to make us whom He wants us to be. To Him, really, is ALL the glory.
As I have a spiritual goal for each year, this was my year, then, for respect. And so I have prayed for growth in this area and watched my failures as well as successes.
By the grace of God, I have just turned a major corner! I am so grateful--through NO effort on my own, but entirely by the workings of Providence, I was able to establish not only a friendship but a genuine liking for this person. I am amazed--it is as though God has used this circumstance to reveal to me how malleable and changeable human affections are, and how His power is so sublime over all things human. I feel like a small child in His perfect care, and I trust Him so fully to make us whom He wants us to be. To Him, really, is ALL the glory.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Patricia and St. Ignatius
How I love St. Ignatius of Antioch! An early bishop who was martyred. On his way in chains from Antioch to Rome where he was to be thrown to the lions, he wrote letters that are so full of faith, they changed the course of Christianity.
One beautiful line, typical of his writings: "I am God's wheat and shall be ground by the teeth of wild beats so that I may become Christ's pure bread."
This is very much in keeping of how my dear friend Patricia talks all the time. She has taught me how to see life's hardships as directly linked to some aspect of Jesus's life. She has a gift at finding some concrete image that links the event in her life with something pertaining to Christ.
Who knew that Patricia and St. Ignatius were such close kinsfolk!
Patricia, in my opinion, is as well equipped to change the course of Christianity. A true saint!
One beautiful line, typical of his writings: "I am God's wheat and shall be ground by the teeth of wild beats so that I may become Christ's pure bread."
This is very much in keeping of how my dear friend Patricia talks all the time. She has taught me how to see life's hardships as directly linked to some aspect of Jesus's life. She has a gift at finding some concrete image that links the event in her life with something pertaining to Christ.
Who knew that Patricia and St. Ignatius were such close kinsfolk!
Patricia, in my opinion, is as well equipped to change the course of Christianity. A true saint!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
when you're anxious
My spiritual director is a new blessing in my life, put there very specifically by God! It is a complete miracle that I wound up with such an arrangement, since I was not asking for one, and he did not search me out. It just happened very quickly through a friend that I wound up with the most sought out spiritual director in the region.
I have been suffering a spiritual battle for about a year, just tortured by a very specific anxiety. I am not generally anxious, and am grateful for the peace I have received in my Christian life over the decades. But there was a very specific anxiety that I have been wrestling with that has been a tremendous burden. I have prayed, fasted, sat in Adoration, read books, memorized Scripture verses--you name it. But this little torture would not go away. I knew God wanted something for me, since He was not alleviating it. So I asked for patience and clarity, so that I would be ready for His response, which I knew would be a gift of Love when the time was right.
Sure enough, it happened. While I was driving to meet my new spiritual director for our second visit, I nearly missed being in a car accident, then I got lost, and on top of that, the monastery's server was down so that I could not find them on my phone. There was tremendous resistance to me getting to that humble little room in the monastery!
Once I was there, I prayerfully listened and wrote down many notes from my director's comments. Then the moment came. I asked him, "So what should I do when I am going about my business, doing the dishes or reading to a child, and I get gripped with this specific anxiety?"
I already knew many good answers to this question from the Bible and other spiritual writings: pray for peace; be joyful in all things; surrender to God's will. Isaiah 26:3; Proverbs 3:4-5; 1 Peter 5:7; 1 Thes. 5:16-18.
But Father paused, then looked at me and replied: "Seek greater humility and openness."
This was an answer tailor made for me! Relinquishing my plan, my idea of what is good, holy or right, and searching further for God's is exactly what I needed to hear. I had been operating with some humility and with some openness to God's plan. So I did not think I was without it--hence the problem! But when Father said these words, it was as though shackles fell from my whole being. A deeper level of humility and openness! I felt light and free.
In the past 2 weeks of working on this new way, I have found the freedom of being more of a little child. I am clearly being called to a greater childlikeness, and a greater trust in His plan. There is a people-pleasing habit in me that is directly contrary to this way. Pleasing others, and not having peace unless I am pleasing them, is against the will of God. I should be pleasing Him, even if it displeases them. To accomplish this sort of lifestyle requires much prayer. Much more, really, than I was engaged in. Personal, quiet prayer, I mean. It requires listening, trusting, following, and the coming back to God to check in and hear if He has anything else. It is a monastic life, really, the life to which I feel I am most genuinely called.
I have been suffering a spiritual battle for about a year, just tortured by a very specific anxiety. I am not generally anxious, and am grateful for the peace I have received in my Christian life over the decades. But there was a very specific anxiety that I have been wrestling with that has been a tremendous burden. I have prayed, fasted, sat in Adoration, read books, memorized Scripture verses--you name it. But this little torture would not go away. I knew God wanted something for me, since He was not alleviating it. So I asked for patience and clarity, so that I would be ready for His response, which I knew would be a gift of Love when the time was right.
Sure enough, it happened. While I was driving to meet my new spiritual director for our second visit, I nearly missed being in a car accident, then I got lost, and on top of that, the monastery's server was down so that I could not find them on my phone. There was tremendous resistance to me getting to that humble little room in the monastery!
Once I was there, I prayerfully listened and wrote down many notes from my director's comments. Then the moment came. I asked him, "So what should I do when I am going about my business, doing the dishes or reading to a child, and I get gripped with this specific anxiety?"
I already knew many good answers to this question from the Bible and other spiritual writings: pray for peace; be joyful in all things; surrender to God's will. Isaiah 26:3; Proverbs 3:4-5; 1 Peter 5:7; 1 Thes. 5:16-18.
But Father paused, then looked at me and replied: "Seek greater humility and openness."
This was an answer tailor made for me! Relinquishing my plan, my idea of what is good, holy or right, and searching further for God's is exactly what I needed to hear. I had been operating with some humility and with some openness to God's plan. So I did not think I was without it--hence the problem! But when Father said these words, it was as though shackles fell from my whole being. A deeper level of humility and openness! I felt light and free.
In the past 2 weeks of working on this new way, I have found the freedom of being more of a little child. I am clearly being called to a greater childlikeness, and a greater trust in His plan. There is a people-pleasing habit in me that is directly contrary to this way. Pleasing others, and not having peace unless I am pleasing them, is against the will of God. I should be pleasing Him, even if it displeases them. To accomplish this sort of lifestyle requires much prayer. Much more, really, than I was engaged in. Personal, quiet prayer, I mean. It requires listening, trusting, following, and the coming back to God to check in and hear if He has anything else. It is a monastic life, really, the life to which I feel I am most genuinely called.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
recovery
Annie is now sleeping--thank you, Lord! She is sweet and delightful instead of constantly irritated--thank you, Lord! I have slept so hard these past nights that I am more like a walking zombie most days, and then I crash back to sleep.
Boy, is Annie cute. She says, "This! This!" And she says, "Mama! Daddy! Baby!" and "Hot?" She shakes her head "No," and nods her head "Yes," and she can imitate most short words: colors, parts of the body, etc. She can also point to most parts of her body. She loves to dance, and her favorite is the Laurie Berkner Band. She loves time outside, and is a mega-explorer: bugs, rocks, water, leaves--you name it.
Two weeks of Annie being well, I began getting tired of being tired! I felt the need to be rebounding. I had been exercising pretty hard, but feeling horrible. So in a hasty moment, I decided to do a juice fast. I was shooting for just 2 days. But it went so well that I did another, and decided to shoot for 10. So here I go! I'm on day 4 and feeling great! 14 is my absolute ideal, but I am not resting at a Martha's Vineyard retreat. I am homeschooling and caring for 5 little children. So we'll see what I can do!
I wonder if it shouldn't be standard practice to do a fast after having a baby and nursing. The body needs to reboot and revitalize. Some cultures do this customarily. I think there is much wisdom to that!
Boy, is Annie cute. She says, "This! This!" And she says, "Mama! Daddy! Baby!" and "Hot?" She shakes her head "No," and nods her head "Yes," and she can imitate most short words: colors, parts of the body, etc. She can also point to most parts of her body. She loves to dance, and her favorite is the Laurie Berkner Band. She loves time outside, and is a mega-explorer: bugs, rocks, water, leaves--you name it.
Two weeks of Annie being well, I began getting tired of being tired! I felt the need to be rebounding. I had been exercising pretty hard, but feeling horrible. So in a hasty moment, I decided to do a juice fast. I was shooting for just 2 days. But it went so well that I did another, and decided to shoot for 10. So here I go! I'm on day 4 and feeling great! 14 is my absolute ideal, but I am not resting at a Martha's Vineyard retreat. I am homeschooling and caring for 5 little children. So we'll see what I can do!
I wonder if it shouldn't be standard practice to do a fast after having a baby and nursing. The body needs to reboot and revitalize. Some cultures do this customarily. I think there is much wisdom to that!
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