Ron always wants to watch The Passion of the Christ on Good Friday. I can see why, and think that's great for anyone who wants to. (I always like to watch Zepherelli's Jesus of Nazareth before Christmas).
But for me, the liturgy and practice of Good Friday is more powerful and real than Mel Gibson's movie. While the movie is more graphic, the liturgy helps me delve deeper into the reality of what happened that day.
I go to the church, hungry and wilty, since we are fasting. The liturgy continues from the preceding night (the Holy Thursday celebration does not close; people leave the church, only to come the Friday afternoon for the next part of a continued liturgy). It is solemn, silent, and reverent. Many people are packed together in the church, just as many people were packed in Jerusalem at the various places Jesus' Passion took place. The choir does a dramatic reading, put to music, of the Passion. I go through the story in my mind, being present to it, and to Christ through it. Inevitably, I am holding a squirmy baby, or too hot, or having trouble paying attention or being reverent. But by the most intense moment of the story, when Christ gives up His spirit, I am breath-taken.
There are three reasons the liturgy is better than the movie for me.
1) Every year, it seems that God gives me some gift that I am needing. This year, as the dramatic reading covered the passage about the lance in Jesus' side, I began to weep. I had not really meditated on that aspect of Christ's life for such a long time. There is so, so, so much grace in that passage. That part of the story of Christ's life is unspeakably important, and I had let it slip out of view for me. In the movie, Mel Gibson chooses what to emphasize about the story. He highlights certain things, and other things are in the background. But in the liturgy, the Holy Spirit gets to decide what to highlight FOR ME that year. He can change that every year. It is custom made tailoring for each person's needs.
2) When I watch a movie, I am sitting comfortably in an air-conditioned room, belly full and feet propped up. But when you are standing in a church and fasting, you are sharing in some tiny way in the Passion. In watching the movie, I can feel the polarity between His suffering and my comfort. But in a Good Friday liturgy, I see the wisdom in how we have been guided to fast and come for this long service, so that we can participate in some way, and be connected on some level, with Christ's suffering.
3) The Good Friday liturgy is a thousand years old. Compared to a movie, the Catholic Church's liturgy has the advantage of being shaped by the greatest, holiest and most educated minds of hundreds of years. If Mel Gibson had authorities advising him on the movie, think of how much better advised this liturgy is! The liturgy is authoritative, trustworthy and penetrating in a way that a movie can never be. I think it is because of this trustworthiness that I can go deeper into the meaning. I trust the liturgy to take me where the Spirit of God wants me to go, and I can yield to Him in that way.
There is NOTHING WRONG with the movie (and Ron and I might well be watching it this afternoon, since he did not get the chance yesterday!), in my opinion. But the comparison reveals how vivid and real and powerful the Catholic liturgy is to me, and how indebted I am to liturgies of this kind for the way they bring my faith alive.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
feet washing
I was giving my girls a lesson today on why Jesus washed the disciples' feet (today is the day Catholics celebrate the foot washing and the Last Supper). I had them all go walk outside in the mud. Then they came to the door, and I got down on the floor with a bowl of water and a towel. I scrubbed, washed and rinsed.
Clare got all twisted, and she basically had her rear in my face. "See," I said, "It really is humbling!" They all laughed and laughed.
I read them the story: Christ was their master and teacher, but he acted as their servant. He was teaching us how to be leaders, how to be masters, how to be teachers: to serve, to care for the needs of those whom you are leading and teaching.
The whole episode was much more powerful for me than for them. The truth is, washing their feet was completely routine for me. Pretending to be humble in service?? The scrubbing, washing and rinsing was all too familiar. Yet I am their teacher (literally), and I am their leader. I am (as I have to remind them frequently!), in charge! I thought, "God really did make motherhood out of the fabric of that Gospel passage." Motherhood--being in charge in the right ways, but being of service in the right ways, and not getting them backwards--is truly made in the image of God.
Clare got all twisted, and she basically had her rear in my face. "See," I said, "It really is humbling!" They all laughed and laughed.
I read them the story: Christ was their master and teacher, but he acted as their servant. He was teaching us how to be leaders, how to be masters, how to be teachers: to serve, to care for the needs of those whom you are leading and teaching.
The whole episode was much more powerful for me than for them. The truth is, washing their feet was completely routine for me. Pretending to be humble in service?? The scrubbing, washing and rinsing was all too familiar. Yet I am their teacher (literally), and I am their leader. I am (as I have to remind them frequently!), in charge! I thought, "God really did make motherhood out of the fabric of that Gospel passage." Motherhood--being in charge in the right ways, but being of service in the right ways, and not getting them backwards--is truly made in the image of God.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
what a prayer!
Lord,
Thou knowest better than I myself
that I am growing older and will someday be old.
Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking
I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.
Release me from craving to
straighten out everybody’s affairs.
Make me thoughtful but not moody;
helpful but not bossy.
With my vast store of wisdom,
it seems a pity not to use it all;
but Thou knowest, Lord,
that I want a few friends at the end.
Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details;
give me wings to get to the point.
Seal my lips on my aches and pains;
they are increasing, and love of rehearsing them
is becoming sweeter as the years go by.
I dare not ask for improved memory,
but for a growing humility and a lessening cock-sureness
when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others.
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.
Keep me reasonably sweet, for a sour old person
is one of the crowning works of the devil.
Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places
and talents in unexpected people;
and give, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.
Amen.
- – - prayer by St. Teresa of Avila
Thou knowest better than I myself
that I am growing older and will someday be old.
Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking
I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.
Release me from craving to
straighten out everybody’s affairs.
Make me thoughtful but not moody;
helpful but not bossy.
With my vast store of wisdom,
it seems a pity not to use it all;
but Thou knowest, Lord,
that I want a few friends at the end.
Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details;
give me wings to get to the point.
Seal my lips on my aches and pains;
they are increasing, and love of rehearsing them
is becoming sweeter as the years go by.
I dare not ask for improved memory,
but for a growing humility and a lessening cock-sureness
when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others.
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.
Keep me reasonably sweet, for a sour old person
is one of the crowning works of the devil.
Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places
and talents in unexpected people;
and give, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.
Amen.
- – - prayer by St. Teresa of Avila
Sunday, April 17, 2011
grosser than gross
What is grosser than gross?
Putting your baby on the bathroom floor of a public facility because it is an emergency and you just have to go, and, while hoping she will not touch anything with her hands, looking down and seeing her sucking the floor with her mouth!!!!!
Putting your baby on the bathroom floor of a public facility because it is an emergency and you just have to go, and, while hoping she will not touch anything with her hands, looking down and seeing her sucking the floor with her mouth!!!!!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
right kind of new
I had to salvage my homeschool, which was about to dissolve. I was about the throw in the towel and enroll my kids in the local school. There is no real community for home schoolers here, despite all the wonderful home schooling families! So. . .
I have been making efforts every day to actually create community--family bonds--out of thin air. So many families feel they are on the periphery--only to find out, there is no center to be on the periphery of!
This week, I began a new homeschool association. I discussed it with many parents. After creating it on paper, I made this offer to the existing homeschool association: I could begin the group within the framework of their organization. This alternative is the harder path. But it is the way of unity and integration, and I felt God's leading that way. I feel carried along as though on a cloud, through the shoals and maelstroms, and have been amazed at the ease with which it has all happened. They accepted my offer, which means that I will be on the executive committee of the existing association and execute my plans, effective this summer. This could not have happened, at least not in such a peaceful and stress-free way, except through prayer. New mothers' efforts integrating with the established ways of older, veteran mothers can be such a challenge. Miracles abound.
So now I am about to launch the initiative. The kickoff event is a May Crowning, sometime in May. Oh my goodness! I am amazed this is all happening!
A lot that is new. And yet it is new within the old. It is not breaking and starting over. It is taking what feels like it has died, and breathing all your fresh new life (that you did not think you had until you just starting breathing with your fingers crossed and a prayer) into it. Only to find out it had not really died, it just needed rejuvenation. It needed a fresh new spirit. The final product is thus more mature, benefitting from the rich history that you have retained. The final product is also free of the pride that creeps in when you start over--the tacit presumption that you can do better. In the end, you have an entity which is richer and wiser and stronger than if you had started over apart from the old, seemingly dead structure. For me, this is the right kind of new.
I have been making efforts every day to actually create community--family bonds--out of thin air. So many families feel they are on the periphery--only to find out, there is no center to be on the periphery of!
This week, I began a new homeschool association. I discussed it with many parents. After creating it on paper, I made this offer to the existing homeschool association: I could begin the group within the framework of their organization. This alternative is the harder path. But it is the way of unity and integration, and I felt God's leading that way. I feel carried along as though on a cloud, through the shoals and maelstroms, and have been amazed at the ease with which it has all happened. They accepted my offer, which means that I will be on the executive committee of the existing association and execute my plans, effective this summer. This could not have happened, at least not in such a peaceful and stress-free way, except through prayer. New mothers' efforts integrating with the established ways of older, veteran mothers can be such a challenge. Miracles abound.
So now I am about to launch the initiative. The kickoff event is a May Crowning, sometime in May. Oh my goodness! I am amazed this is all happening!
A lot that is new. And yet it is new within the old. It is not breaking and starting over. It is taking what feels like it has died, and breathing all your fresh new life (that you did not think you had until you just starting breathing with your fingers crossed and a prayer) into it. Only to find out it had not really died, it just needed rejuvenation. It needed a fresh new spirit. The final product is thus more mature, benefitting from the rich history that you have retained. The final product is also free of the pride that creeps in when you start over--the tacit presumption that you can do better. In the end, you have an entity which is richer and wiser and stronger than if you had started over apart from the old, seemingly dead structure. For me, this is the right kind of new.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
my box
As mentioned earlier, Ron called attention to the fact that my "box" in my center can collapse and other people's feelings or experiences can come right in.
I have been SO ENJOYING working on my box! I sometimes have to ask, "How am I actually doing?" It is so strange when I realize I am doing WELL! Instead of betraying Ron or his parents who might not be, it is actually a gift to them that I am doing well. I have joy and pleasant-ness to offer, and they actually appreciate it. That shocks me.
I feel like I am in bootcamp. I am learning from scratch what I have never known before.
Today, I got upset because I thought a) my homeschool is failing, b) my marriage is taxed because of Ron's Mom, c) my kids are not doing well, d) I have no church, e) I am not accomplishing what I wish I were, and that is just for starters.
Then I realized (drawing on my prayer experiences of John 15, referenced before), "I am so CONTENT! I am HAPPY! I have everything I really need and want!" It is really, really helpful and blissful for my spiritual life to be in place when things around my are flagging. I spent all day working on school plans for next year, plans to help build a parish here, and letting my happiness be contagious for my husband and children. In fact, at the end of the day, it is all better. All these areas are improved, and it is just from letting other things fall apart and realizing that I am not the same as those other things. I am strong when they are not. And then, rather than betraying them, I am helping them!
I have been SO ENJOYING working on my box! I sometimes have to ask, "How am I actually doing?" It is so strange when I realize I am doing WELL! Instead of betraying Ron or his parents who might not be, it is actually a gift to them that I am doing well. I have joy and pleasant-ness to offer, and they actually appreciate it. That shocks me.
I feel like I am in bootcamp. I am learning from scratch what I have never known before.
Today, I got upset because I thought a) my homeschool is failing, b) my marriage is taxed because of Ron's Mom, c) my kids are not doing well, d) I have no church, e) I am not accomplishing what I wish I were, and that is just for starters.
Then I realized (drawing on my prayer experiences of John 15, referenced before), "I am so CONTENT! I am HAPPY! I have everything I really need and want!" It is really, really helpful and blissful for my spiritual life to be in place when things around my are flagging. I spent all day working on school plans for next year, plans to help build a parish here, and letting my happiness be contagious for my husband and children. In fact, at the end of the day, it is all better. All these areas are improved, and it is just from letting other things fall apart and realizing that I am not the same as those other things. I am strong when they are not. And then, rather than betraying them, I am helping them!
Friday, April 8, 2011
anxiety meds
My new form of anti-anxiety "medication" is John 15: "I am the vine, you are the branches. . . Abide in me and I will abide in you. . . I say this so that your joy may be complete."
I can sit and meditate in heaven on this passage for an hour at a time. I can even shout out exclamations like, "Mary, can you please get the bagels for Leigh?" and get right back to it without breaking the flow!
It's as though I am being invited to a new level of trust and letting go; a new level of divine intimacy; a new level of joy. It is therapy and medication all in one.
The thing that stands out the most to me about it is how humble Christ is. In general, I feel vulnerable; my fears and anxieties spring from this vulnerability. But Christ himself is saying that He is a vine. Even an amateur gardener such as myself knows that vines are very, very vulnerable. I work hard to keep my tender vines alive and thriving. Frost, animals, bugs, and yes, toddlers--vines face many foes.
But Christ is saying, be vulnerable, as I am vulnerable, and just stick with me. Abide in me, and me alone, and you will be okay. If you do not abide in me and be vulnerable with me, you will be worth nothing at all--only worth feeding a fire. But your worth comes in being alive in my presence and caring about nothing in the world but loving me. For me, that is easy, and it is does not require me becoming stronger than I am, more self-protective than I am--it only requires my sincerity and dependence on Him. I just love that.
I can sit and meditate in heaven on this passage for an hour at a time. I can even shout out exclamations like, "Mary, can you please get the bagels for Leigh?" and get right back to it without breaking the flow!
It's as though I am being invited to a new level of trust and letting go; a new level of divine intimacy; a new level of joy. It is therapy and medication all in one.
The thing that stands out the most to me about it is how humble Christ is. In general, I feel vulnerable; my fears and anxieties spring from this vulnerability. But Christ himself is saying that He is a vine. Even an amateur gardener such as myself knows that vines are very, very vulnerable. I work hard to keep my tender vines alive and thriving. Frost, animals, bugs, and yes, toddlers--vines face many foes.
But Christ is saying, be vulnerable, as I am vulnerable, and just stick with me. Abide in me, and me alone, and you will be okay. If you do not abide in me and be vulnerable with me, you will be worth nothing at all--only worth feeding a fire. But your worth comes in being alive in my presence and caring about nothing in the world but loving me. For me, that is easy, and it is does not require me becoming stronger than I am, more self-protective than I am--it only requires my sincerity and dependence on Him. I just love that.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
favorite quote
My favorite quote from a woman in my prayer group this week: "In terms of boundaries, I can give in abundance; it's like pouring all the contents out of a vase. I just don't let anyone smash the vase." Pretty darn smart!
Monday, April 4, 2011
big sis
Now that Leigh has exploited the little sister role to its bare bones, she is now looking to milk the big sister role for what it's worth! :)
(Doesn't Annie look a little bit like Elvis in this one?)
Annie is such an extrovert. I call her, "Kappa Kappa Gamma." Such a sorority girl in the making! In that, I suppose, she truly does take after her big sis, Leigh!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
happy happy joy joy
Isn't it hard not to take on other people's burdens? I love my husband so much--more than life itself. He is grieving his Mom's terminal illness. I feel for him so much. How exactly does God want me to feel for him, though? There are bad alternatives everywhere I look. There is is enmeshment on one hand, and indifference on the other. How do I get it right? What is compassion that doesn't lose its footing?
Ron and I have discussed it. He says that inside, he is pretty firm, and other people stay on the periphery for him. But, he says, I seem to collapse easily for others. So if I am happy but then someone close to me becomes upset, I am soon no longer happy as I feel for them. Ron has encouraged me to "firm up" on the inside. "What is so firm on the inside?" I ask him. "What does God want to see in my center, so that I keep my footing around others?" Ron said he did not know.
It was that question that led me to the thought: God has made all of us royalty through our baptism and through becoming part of His family. We are all little queens, princesses, and princes ( Peter 2:9). Through our life as Christians, we are to imitate Christ as "priest, prophet and king." Finally I had some sense of God's desire for me: I am to be His little queen!
Somehow, that idea just filled me right up to the brim. I have been SO STEADY in the past days and even weeks, since this insight. Ron is sort of amazed, as he has seen me withstand some storms that I was not withstanding just weeks ago. I think of it as giving me a deep, deep keel. I am steady through the storm--by the grace of God!
Ron and I have discussed it. He says that inside, he is pretty firm, and other people stay on the periphery for him. But, he says, I seem to collapse easily for others. So if I am happy but then someone close to me becomes upset, I am soon no longer happy as I feel for them. Ron has encouraged me to "firm up" on the inside. "What is so firm on the inside?" I ask him. "What does God want to see in my center, so that I keep my footing around others?" Ron said he did not know.
It was that question that led me to the thought: God has made all of us royalty through our baptism and through becoming part of His family. We are all little queens, princesses, and princes ( Peter 2:9). Through our life as Christians, we are to imitate Christ as "priest, prophet and king." Finally I had some sense of God's desire for me: I am to be His little queen!
Somehow, that idea just filled me right up to the brim. I have been SO STEADY in the past days and even weeks, since this insight. Ron is sort of amazed, as he has seen me withstand some storms that I was not withstanding just weeks ago. I think of it as giving me a deep, deep keel. I am steady through the storm--by the grace of God!
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