It was Sunday morning. We went to Mass. Having had a rough start, I prayed: "Lord, I am a mess. Please give me what I need. I do not even know what it is--I am so empty. I've got nothing good. Please fill me with the good things that I need to recover."
I had complete faith that the Mass is so powerful, that through it God would give me all the gifts i needed.
I also had total confidence because several very special people were praying for me. I had written and asked for their prayers. They are women of God, incredibly strong in their faith and powerful in their intercession. In my heart I just leaned hard on them, knowing that they would see me out of this tailspin.
Sure enough, toward the end of Mass, I asked a question: "Where are the problems with Ron coming from?" Immediately, an answer came to mind. I asked again, checking about the answer. it came again. A bit later, I asked one more question: "Can I make this summer program work? Can I pull myself together and be a friendly part of the program, or am I going to ruin it?"
God's response, I felt, was: "Ask me for what you want. Ask me a favor."
So I did: "Please give us all the grace to have Your joy: let us be like the Early Church--communally-minded, joyful, living in the Spirit of God."
He said: "Done."
So I left church so peaceful, confident that a) I could now address the source of the problem, and b) that God would help me, supplying for me what I did not have, to make the group dynamics pleasing to God and enjoyable for us all. I prayed that through that, God would minister to those who were not yet right with God, and that all of the students and staff would be encouraged in their walk with God through His gift.
Well, it all just turned around from the moment we walked out the church door. Ron and I got to a nice strong place that afternoon. Then he said, "Let's re-do your birthday!" So we went into Rome, and he and the kids picked out a really nice gift for me. We walked all over town and had a lovely day!
As our ship righted itself, I felt so dependent. I felt so helpless. I was acutely aware of the fact that I could not help myself out of the problems that had arisen. But as it turns out, God HELPS! And prayerful friends HELP! And a husband and children redoing what needs redoing HELPS!
It is humbling to be helped--I am so grateful!!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
3 days I'd rather forget (so don't read this!) :)
We had a wonderful 2 days in NYC on our way to Rome. Mom and Harville made it a very special time, and Ron and I had a great evening with Hunter.
Then we headed to Rome.
It all fell apart!
Our family was put in two rooms that were 4 floors apart! We could not all fit in the basement room, nor in the room 4 flights up. The windows on the 3rd floor are not childproofed, and the 4 flights of marble steps seemed perfect for splitting a head open. It all seemed very dangerous. But the campus was vacant, and there was no one around to help us. Additionally, one of the kids had had an accident on the futon, and we had no laundry tokens so as to clean it up. We had no phone, no internet access, no food, and it was pouring rain so could not really go anywhere.
Much worse than that, however, was that Ron was a disaster and I was a disaster. He was foggy headed from having zero sleep the night of the plane ride, and so he was making strange decisions. But he was not talking with me about them at all. One or two would have been fine with me. But there were so many! It was like a little mini-hell: being in an unsafe environment, being afraid your 3 year old was about to meet her death out the window, and not being able to work out safety and organization because both parents were mad.
I let him know that as a Mom, I am really important; rather than making me less important, it actually makes me MORE important, and he should know better! Ahem! That message did not, suffice it to say, go over very well.
I was seized with an intense desire to go home. We would miss out on Italy, but at least I know how to have my kids in a controlled space there.
We talked that evening. We talked, and talked, and talked.
Somehow, in the course of talking, I just let it go. I accepted his apology.
Having moved on, having gotten some sleep, the next day, things got much better.
Then we headed to Rome.
It all fell apart!
Our family was put in two rooms that were 4 floors apart! We could not all fit in the basement room, nor in the room 4 flights up. The windows on the 3rd floor are not childproofed, and the 4 flights of marble steps seemed perfect for splitting a head open. It all seemed very dangerous. But the campus was vacant, and there was no one around to help us. Additionally, one of the kids had had an accident on the futon, and we had no laundry tokens so as to clean it up. We had no phone, no internet access, no food, and it was pouring rain so could not really go anywhere.
Much worse than that, however, was that Ron was a disaster and I was a disaster. He was foggy headed from having zero sleep the night of the plane ride, and so he was making strange decisions. But he was not talking with me about them at all. One or two would have been fine with me. But there were so many! It was like a little mini-hell: being in an unsafe environment, being afraid your 3 year old was about to meet her death out the window, and not being able to work out safety and organization because both parents were mad.
I let him know that as a Mom, I am really important; rather than making me less important, it actually makes me MORE important, and he should know better! Ahem! That message did not, suffice it to say, go over very well.
I was seized with an intense desire to go home. We would miss out on Italy, but at least I know how to have my kids in a controlled space there.
We talked that evening. We talked, and talked, and talked.
Somehow, in the course of talking, I just let it go. I accepted his apology.
Having moved on, having gotten some sleep, the next day, things got much better.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Packed and Off!
Strangest thing packed: almost 1,000 gluten free tortillas
Favorite thing packed: tennis racquet
Thing I should not have packed: so many books
Thing I forgot to pack: Gosh, I hate to find out!
So strange to drive away today, leaving our little house behind!
Here we are, about to depart for NYC with Granny--then two days later, off to Rome!
We are so blessed. I am so, so grateful!
Favorite thing packed: tennis racquet
Thing I should not have packed: so many books
Thing I forgot to pack: Gosh, I hate to find out!
So strange to drive away today, leaving our little house behind!
Here we are, about to depart for NYC with Granny--then two days later, off to Rome!
We are so blessed. I am so, so grateful!
Never before. . .
. . . have I successfully grown poppies--my favorite flower!
Nor chamomile!
Nor lavender!
What a spring for my garden!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
What Sisters!
It was such fun to be at Aunt June's and Mom's surprise party for Aunt Swanee! It was a delight to see such wonderful people. What sisters--they sure are there for each other. What a blessing!
Jake sure held court, talking with as many adults as he could--he told me he literally tried to "steal" conversations if there appeared to be an interesting one he was not yet in! Mary commented on the way home, "Jake, it was just a couple of years ago, you would not even look adults in the eye!" So true!
Friday, May 17, 2013
Women's Health
Having a new doctor who is helping me with hormonal issues is a great blessing.
But I am so, so mad for all of us women, who are just plain lucky if we are the one in a million who get good are regarding our health!
Women in their 40's go through hormonal changes. These changes do not bring about mild symptoms. They routinely bring about severe depression, severe anxiety, and foggy-mindedness; these problems can turn into marriage problems, friendship problems, and work problems. When I think of the women I know--from my mom to my aunts to my grandmothers to friends of the family--and what their 40's were like, I shudder, wondering how many of the divorces and the mid-life crises were rooted in hormonal issues that were unrecognized as such.
Thankfully, I practice Natural Family Planning, which means I have a zero-tolerance policy with synthetic hormones( the pill, etc.). Thankfully, my friends do, too. And thankfully once again, some of them knew of the symptoms (above stated) so that when I cautiously mentioned my symptoms to my friends, they were like a tiger on prey, determined to help me beat the odds and get the right kind of help.
I am intensely grateful to them. And I am equally upset about how hard it is for a woman to get adequate health care. Today's doctors see synthetic pharmaceuticals as the answer to all our problems. "Put her on the pill" or "Put her on anti-depressants" is the answer for everything. But this masks so many of the real problems, and does not adequately address them. I am so glad that I am getting real help!
But I am so, so mad for all of us women, who are just plain lucky if we are the one in a million who get good are regarding our health!
Women in their 40's go through hormonal changes. These changes do not bring about mild symptoms. They routinely bring about severe depression, severe anxiety, and foggy-mindedness; these problems can turn into marriage problems, friendship problems, and work problems. When I think of the women I know--from my mom to my aunts to my grandmothers to friends of the family--and what their 40's were like, I shudder, wondering how many of the divorces and the mid-life crises were rooted in hormonal issues that were unrecognized as such.
Thankfully, I practice Natural Family Planning, which means I have a zero-tolerance policy with synthetic hormones( the pill, etc.). Thankfully, my friends do, too. And thankfully once again, some of them knew of the symptoms (above stated) so that when I cautiously mentioned my symptoms to my friends, they were like a tiger on prey, determined to help me beat the odds and get the right kind of help.
I am intensely grateful to them. And I am equally upset about how hard it is for a woman to get adequate health care. Today's doctors see synthetic pharmaceuticals as the answer to all our problems. "Put her on the pill" or "Put her on anti-depressants" is the answer for everything. But this masks so many of the real problems, and does not adequately address them. I am so glad that I am getting real help!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Happy Mothers' Day, Mom!
I love you, Mom!
My favorite times with my Mom in recent years are:
1. Our time together for 2 days after her surprise birthday party in NYC 2 years ago. I had flown up for the surprise, and I was the one who got a surprise with how especially lovely the time was, late that evening (with Leah, Dad, Ken and Kim in the living room) and the next day or two. Mom and I had a great meal out on Broadway and she told me she and Dad were thinking of moving to Dallas. Loved it!
2. Enjoying our camping trip in New Mexico last summer. Relaxing together is the best way to be together!
3. The talk we had a few months ago, just before Easter. Sharing; leaning on one another--a real heart to heart!
4. Her telling me her story, last week. So direct and truthful: "The truth will set you free!"
5. The Vigil talk we had, 2 nights ago. Healing is just so good!
My favorite thing about my mom is how pure-hearted she is, in the sense of being unpretentious. The culture is so focused on image and on material things. It specializes in reputation, success and glamour. My mom is especially unpretentious: what matters to her is having roots, knowing who you are, and being established in healthy relationships. Not only does she not prioritize what the culture does: she rather despises its values. She simply dismisses its temptations with a "Poo," and a wave of the hand. She is so faithful to the calling she has to claim health and real connection, amid the whirlwind of spurious loves and unreliability that surrounds many of us (but her more than most).
She started her life with disadvantages that surpass what most of us could imagine, and she has reversed those damages and built strength, against all odds. What a heroine! She is mine!
How I love you, Mom!
My favorite times with my Mom in recent years are:
1. Our time together for 2 days after her surprise birthday party in NYC 2 years ago. I had flown up for the surprise, and I was the one who got a surprise with how especially lovely the time was, late that evening (with Leah, Dad, Ken and Kim in the living room) and the next day or two. Mom and I had a great meal out on Broadway and she told me she and Dad were thinking of moving to Dallas. Loved it!
2. Enjoying our camping trip in New Mexico last summer. Relaxing together is the best way to be together!
3. The talk we had a few months ago, just before Easter. Sharing; leaning on one another--a real heart to heart!
4. Her telling me her story, last week. So direct and truthful: "The truth will set you free!"
5. The Vigil talk we had, 2 nights ago. Healing is just so good!
My favorite thing about my mom is how pure-hearted she is, in the sense of being unpretentious. The culture is so focused on image and on material things. It specializes in reputation, success and glamour. My mom is especially unpretentious: what matters to her is having roots, knowing who you are, and being established in healthy relationships. Not only does she not prioritize what the culture does: she rather despises its values. She simply dismisses its temptations with a "Poo," and a wave of the hand. She is so faithful to the calling she has to claim health and real connection, amid the whirlwind of spurious loves and unreliability that surrounds many of us (but her more than most).
She started her life with disadvantages that surpass what most of us could imagine, and she has reversed those damages and built strength, against all odds. What a heroine! She is mine!
How I love you, Mom!
My Easter Vigil
The Easter Vigil is the most holy, blessed moment of the year for me. It is the moment that, standing in the dark, we wait and then witness new life.
Last night was an Easter Vigil for me--ironically, it was in dark of the night, that I talked with my mom until 5:15 AM, as dawn broke.
We have been building a strong and healthy relationship for years. But there were a few remaining issues that needed attention. Last night, we had finally built enough tools, poured enough prayer, and sought a high enough vision, that we had all it took to resolve the unresolved issues in our history. We took a nice, safe dive in.
When the moment of healing came, it broke in like dawn in the night. It was the first glimmer of new life: it was a resurrection. We cried, hugged, and cried some more. We talked through every remaining issue. . . and hugged and cried some more.
Mom said that she had struggled in her relationship with her mother. Mom was never able to find a point of connection with her mom--a real meeting of two hearts.
Last night, Mom was able to give me what her mother never gave her. It was a meeting of two hearts. I will cherish that moment, a high water mark in my life, forever.
Last night was an Easter Vigil for me--ironically, it was in dark of the night, that I talked with my mom until 5:15 AM, as dawn broke.
We have been building a strong and healthy relationship for years. But there were a few remaining issues that needed attention. Last night, we had finally built enough tools, poured enough prayer, and sought a high enough vision, that we had all it took to resolve the unresolved issues in our history. We took a nice, safe dive in.
When the moment of healing came, it broke in like dawn in the night. It was the first glimmer of new life: it was a resurrection. We cried, hugged, and cried some more. We talked through every remaining issue. . . and hugged and cried some more.
Mom said that she had struggled in her relationship with her mother. Mom was never able to find a point of connection with her mom--a real meeting of two hearts.
Last night, Mom was able to give me what her mother never gave her. It was a meeting of two hearts. I will cherish that moment, a high water mark in my life, forever.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Jake's Computer
The day has finally come! Jake has his first computer.
Yesterday, Jake made his big announcement: he was creating a newspaper. He and his friend Henry are co-general editors of their new publication, the Dallas Catholic News. It is a monthly publication, with a team 5 staff columnists. They are covering: government and politics, the economy and finance, Catholic news, current affairs, sports, and comics/games. Jake is co-general editor, layout editor, and the finance columnist.
Jake is delving into the economy and finances on his own. So his being the finance columnist will dovetail nicely with this new interest. He has a true gift with economics--at 11 years old, he knows about as much as I did when I was a freshman in college. I have told him most of what I know, and crazy--he follows it! So he and I are pledging to read the Wall Street Journal together daily.
Jake has also perfected his handwriting, both in print and in cursive. He writes 5 page documents routinely. They are gorgeous. If he decides to make a correction, he has to erase whole paragraphs. So it is clearly time to move to typing: it is not to avoid learning good handwriting but to graduate to a new level!
Yesterday, Jake made his big announcement: he was creating a newspaper. He and his friend Henry are co-general editors of their new publication, the Dallas Catholic News. It is a monthly publication, with a team 5 staff columnists. They are covering: government and politics, the economy and finance, Catholic news, current affairs, sports, and comics/games. Jake is co-general editor, layout editor, and the finance columnist.
Jake is delving into the economy and finances on his own. So his being the finance columnist will dovetail nicely with this new interest. He has a true gift with economics--at 11 years old, he knows about as much as I did when I was a freshman in college. I have told him most of what I know, and crazy--he follows it! So he and I are pledging to read the Wall Street Journal together daily.
Jake has also perfected his handwriting, both in print and in cursive. He writes 5 page documents routinely. They are gorgeous. If he decides to make a correction, he has to erase whole paragraphs. So it is clearly time to move to typing: it is not to avoid learning good handwriting but to graduate to a new level!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
What A Family!
Ron, Dad, Mom and I had a five hour dialogue last night. That is a long time!
One of the things I appreciate the most is how all four of us are determined to maximize the potential of our relationships. To me, it is like good stewardship: these relationships are gifts! We need to take care of them!
My favorite thing about Ron is his unwavering commitment to healthy relationships. He is always looking ahead, trying to see the best place a relationship can be, and then holding that vision in place until it is achieved. He does that within our marriage, and encourages me in that way regarding my relationships with others. What a positive presence in my life!
One of the things I appreciate the most is how all four of us are determined to maximize the potential of our relationships. To me, it is like good stewardship: these relationships are gifts! We need to take care of them!
My favorite thing about Ron is his unwavering commitment to healthy relationships. He is always looking ahead, trying to see the best place a relationship can be, and then holding that vision in place until it is achieved. He does that within our marriage, and encourages me in that way regarding my relationships with others. What a positive presence in my life!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
A Mother's Story
Last week, my mother told her her "story." She had spent a year and a half researching the facts about her first husband, my dad, and putting together an informed, historical account of their marriage and divorce. She went on to tell my sister and me about her life since then, and what her main perspective and goals have been.
It was enormously healing and helpful to me to hear this account.
Mom quoted Dan Seagall, a psychologist who specialized in brain chemistry. She said that he gratuitously throws in to his talk this point: "People struggle so hard to know themselves if they do not first know their mothers and their stories." Mom cited this line as she told my sister and me hers.
It has been so strange: it is as though fragments of my heart are being sown together, grafted, if you will, as a result of knowing my mom's story.
We sometimes shelter our children from our stories. But when they are ready (which is sooner than most mothers think), it is sheltering them, supporting them, TO disclose all the important facts, no matter how much we wish they were not what they are. We cannot love whom we do not know. All children want to love their moms. We have to give them this chance.
It was enormously healing and helpful to me to hear this account.
Mom quoted Dan Seagall, a psychologist who specialized in brain chemistry. She said that he gratuitously throws in to his talk this point: "People struggle so hard to know themselves if they do not first know their mothers and their stories." Mom cited this line as she told my sister and me hers.
It has been so strange: it is as though fragments of my heart are being sown together, grafted, if you will, as a result of knowing my mom's story.
We sometimes shelter our children from our stories. But when they are ready (which is sooner than most mothers think), it is sheltering them, supporting them, TO disclose all the important facts, no matter how much we wish they were not what they are. We cannot love whom we do not know. All children want to love their moms. We have to give them this chance.
Forgiveness
I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness.
I am sympathetic, to be honest, with people who do not forgive. When someone has hurt us, we feel authorized not to forgive, in the name of justice: someone has deprived me of something that is really mine, something that I really deserve. Since it has been denied me, I am rightfully angry. I will release that anger when the problem is resolved, but not until then. In that case, forgiveness is "extra"--it is what someone else might do if they were feeling a little less hurt than I do, and a little more generous than I am feeling. But given that I am really hurt, no, I won't forgive this offense. There are many cases in which a person withholds forgiveness, not out of a mean spirit, but just because she is trying to get justice right.
But what I see when I look around me is that the brother who cannot forgive his sister, no matter how wrong the sister acted, just plain old ought to forgive his sister. The daughter who cannot forgive her father just ought to forgive her father. The husband who cannot forgive his wife just ought to forgive his wife. That is just how it is: we are imprisoning ourselves in anger, in resentment, and in pain when we do not forgive. We think we are "punishing" the offender: actually, we are punishing ourselves far more. When someone did not give me what I thought I deserved, I did not get what I wanted. When I fail to forgive, I also do not get peace, every day that I withhold forgiveness. The offender may be oblivious to this "punishment" I am inflicting on him. Funny--I am the only one being punished.
One person who has modeled forgiveness to me is my sister Melia. She had and has every right to be angry with our late father. But she got over ALL the many things that he did not give her, and chose to forgive and move on, forging a new and solid relationship with him.
This forgiveness is heroic! And rather than exonerating him, or letting him "get away with murder," she gave herself the gifts of freedom from resentment as well as a renewed relationship. That is truly the "right thing to do!" Not to have forgiven him would have pulled herself down. Melia, you are awesome!!!!!
I do not know why forgiveness is built into our nature: it is what we have to do to fulfill our happiness and character. But it requires transcending justice and becoming heroic. If we are not seizing our opportunity to be heroic, then we are the ones who lose.
I am sympathetic, to be honest, with people who do not forgive. When someone has hurt us, we feel authorized not to forgive, in the name of justice: someone has deprived me of something that is really mine, something that I really deserve. Since it has been denied me, I am rightfully angry. I will release that anger when the problem is resolved, but not until then. In that case, forgiveness is "extra"--it is what someone else might do if they were feeling a little less hurt than I do, and a little more generous than I am feeling. But given that I am really hurt, no, I won't forgive this offense. There are many cases in which a person withholds forgiveness, not out of a mean spirit, but just because she is trying to get justice right.
But what I see when I look around me is that the brother who cannot forgive his sister, no matter how wrong the sister acted, just plain old ought to forgive his sister. The daughter who cannot forgive her father just ought to forgive her father. The husband who cannot forgive his wife just ought to forgive his wife. That is just how it is: we are imprisoning ourselves in anger, in resentment, and in pain when we do not forgive. We think we are "punishing" the offender: actually, we are punishing ourselves far more. When someone did not give me what I thought I deserved, I did not get what I wanted. When I fail to forgive, I also do not get peace, every day that I withhold forgiveness. The offender may be oblivious to this "punishment" I am inflicting on him. Funny--I am the only one being punished.
One person who has modeled forgiveness to me is my sister Melia. She had and has every right to be angry with our late father. But she got over ALL the many things that he did not give her, and chose to forgive and move on, forging a new and solid relationship with him.
This forgiveness is heroic! And rather than exonerating him, or letting him "get away with murder," she gave herself the gifts of freedom from resentment as well as a renewed relationship. That is truly the "right thing to do!" Not to have forgiven him would have pulled herself down. Melia, you are awesome!!!!!
I do not know why forgiveness is built into our nature: it is what we have to do to fulfill our happiness and character. But it requires transcending justice and becoming heroic. If we are not seizing our opportunity to be heroic, then we are the ones who lose.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
"I am SO In Charge"
A work situation for Ron fell apart. It impacted me. We were upset. Then another trial came along. A third one reared its ugly head, all in one day, and then lasting a week.
While I did not like any of them, I did not indulge myself in getting "into" the drama of the problem. I discussed them and did my due diligence, but immediately I had the awareness that God has a plan, and that His plan is very GOOD for me. So, I got curious: "What good gift for me does God have in these situations?"
It is such a relief. It is such a better way to navigate, to be like little children, trusting that there is something really good for us, even in the worst of situations.
What is this trust founded on? It only makes sense to me in light of the fact that I am a child of the all good, all powerful God: "See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called the children of God," (1 John 3:1).
Glancing up at Him when the first problem hit, He assured me: "I am SO in charge." That was enough for me. He does not disappoint.
While I did not like any of them, I did not indulge myself in getting "into" the drama of the problem. I discussed them and did my due diligence, but immediately I had the awareness that God has a plan, and that His plan is very GOOD for me. So, I got curious: "What good gift for me does God have in these situations?"
It is such a relief. It is such a better way to navigate, to be like little children, trusting that there is something really good for us, even in the worst of situations.
What is this trust founded on? It only makes sense to me in light of the fact that I am a child of the all good, all powerful God: "See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called the children of God," (1 John 3:1).
Glancing up at Him when the first problem hit, He assured me: "I am SO in charge." That was enough for me. He does not disappoint.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Happy Birthday, Annie!!
We named Annie for "Anastasia," meaning "Resurrection." To me, nothing is a greater gift to give your child than the assurance that joy and life triumph over all that brings us down. Yes, we believe!
We love you, Annie!
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