This Week's Rewards

   This week, the girls have no school.  After watching tv and relaxing all weekend, here is their reward system for the rest of the break.
    They need some winter clothes and shoes.  So, they are going to earn each item they buy.  They can earn one item (sweater, pair of boots, etc.) by doing one of the following things.  They control how many things they are going to get to buy!

*read one book
*memorize one poem, five stanzas or longer
*memorize one Bible verse a day
*prayer/Bible reading time 30 min. a day
*exercise 30 minutes a day
*learn a new song on their instrument
*one major art project

   They are ambitious, and I'm excited to see the results.  I have limited screen time to 30 min. a day max.  So, we'll see if they get moving on some of these undertakings.

Tips for Getting Through School Mornings

     As our school mornings are sometimes incredibly intense and frustrating, I have started to problem solve.  Here are my five tips for how to survive the chaos!

1) Wake up 3 minutes early, and glance at the Bible verse you put on your nightstand the night before.  The first thought of the day being the Word of God makes, perhaps, all the difference.  This is not a time commitment, as 3 minutes fall within the margin of error.  Then, do Morning Prayer after you drop the kids off at school or, if you are a homeschooling mom, at your first break.

2) Have a time (eg. 7:15 am) all kids need to be in the kitchen.  Reward each one who makes it with a fitting reward (for young kids, a sticker or a sugar free candy to put in their lunch box; for older kids, internet or phone privileges, etc.).  Do the same for getting in the car (or being at the homeschool table, if you are homeschooling).  Instead of yelling, nagging, or fussing, stay quiet.  Never speak in louder than a whisper.  But if they are not there, they do not get the reward.

3)  Pay a dollar to anyone who puts away all the breakfast and lunch-making foods and still makes it to the car (or homeschool table) on time.  A dollar is a small price to pay for a clean kitchen!

4) Vitamins and hair brushing: I have put a gallon-sized bag of duplicates of all our vitamins in the car.  So, if they have not taken their vitamins at home, they can take them in the car.  A hairbrush in the car helps with emergency hair needs as well.

5) A Bible verse in the car (or at the beginning of the homeschool day): As your children are taking their vitamins and brushing their hair, say together a Bible verse that you have picked for the family to memorize.  Then remind them: They are missionaries to all the people they encounter.  They are called to be the self-appointed "Class Chaplain" (or the "Family Chaplain" if they homeschool).  Being a beacon of light to their classmates (or family), and having a prayerful response to all class (or family) trouble, drama, and conflicts is their role.  Say a quick prayer with them, such as a litany with their favorite saints, and root them on!

 

I paid her a dollar

  I paid my daughter, Mary, a dollar today, because I yelled.  I really didn't see the problem coming.  I had been in a great mood.  But the day got long and I was worn out.  But dinner time, as I was telling all the older kids to get dinner on the table, I was trying to get the baby's antibiotic down his throat.  But he kept spitting it out, multiple ounces at a time!  I was so frustrated.  Bright, pink, amoxicillin, dripping all down his shirt and in between his multiple chins.
    Right in the middle of his gagging and acting like I was torturing him, Mary, age 12, stands in the kitchen with a salad in her hands and says, "What do you want me to do with this bowl?"  I shouted, "Get it onto the table, DUH!  What do you think I want you to do with it??"  As soon as the words came flying out of my mouth, I regretted it.  She whisked off with the salad, and I bolted upstairs to change the baby's clothes.
   When I came downstairs, I handed her a dollar.  "I shouldn't have yelled, Mary.  I'm really sorry."  It is my policy that, if anyone in the family yells, we have to pay the other person a dollar.  Kids can't yell.  But neither can parents.
    "I'm sorry too, Mom.  It was such a ridiculous thing to ask you, right in the middle of your dealing with Sebastian."
    I can't believe I said, "Duh."  That's really lame!

Virtue Flowers

     The girls and I spent the afternoon updating their virtue flowers.  Each petal glued to the center has a virtue written on it that that child has acquired.  I LOVED hearing each child affirm what her sisters have already attained in virtue!  So supportive of each other!
    Then, feeling good about themselves, we each identified one thing that each girl is working on.  We wrote that on a petal that we then taped to the stem.  Once that virtue is attained, we'll glue it on with the others!

   To see them up close, double click on the image.

Clare Giving Up "Being Mean" for Lent

   Over lunch, the kids were determining what they were going to give up for Lent.  Mary, chocolate.  Jake, ice cream.  Leigh, cake AND ice cream.
     Clare, however, suggested "beans from her tacos," and other ridiculous things.  Anything I suggested she rejected.  A kid said something to her and Clare SNAPPED back.  I jokingly said, "Clare, why don't you give up being mean for Lent?"
    She replied, "No WAY!"
    She loves it.  She's not about to give up the little smarty pants tone of voice that she uses when particularly useful!!

grown up virtue flowers

     Since my last post, several comments have been made to me about grown ups doing them!  So my confession: at the time, I couldn't help myself--I did one with the kids.

     It was the demo.  And anyone can do this.  I pasted a stem and a center (I cut them randomly from construction paper) to the main paper.  Then I cut out petals.  I said to the kids: "What are some of the virtues that I am working on?  What do you hear me apologize for, and say I am working on?"  Mary said, "Always being gentle, even when you are upset!"  I said, "Bingo!  That's it!  That is one of the things I am really working on right now!"  So I wrote on a petal: "Always gentle."
     Then I said, "Is there anything that I am already good at?  Not a sport or a hobby, but something that is a virtue?  Something that makes God happy with how I am behaving?"
    Jacob said, "You have good judgment.  You know how to solve problems."
    "Thanks, Jake!"  I said.  So I wrote that on a petal.
    Then I glued that one on the center.  But I said, "Since I am not yet 'Always gentle,' I'll just tape that one to the bottom here."  And I did that.
     Clare and Leigh chimed in: "You are good at loving Jesus!  You love Mass!"  They said, "You are compassionate and loving!"  So I wrote those down on more petals and glued them on.
     At that point, we began the children's flowers.  What was so astounding to me, as I said, is that each person's glued-on petals were so different, and yet so worthy of rejoicing!  There was a virtual family celebration over each person's character, and we delighted in the each one.  

Virtue Flowers

      Each one of my children made a "Virtue Flower."  Each child has a stem and a center, but the petals represent virtues.  When the child has them for certain, we glued them to the center.  But if a child is still working on that virtue, we taped the petal to the stem, and it can get moved up or down, as they are working on that virtue.  

I learned so much!  I thought the targeted virtues would be the same.  But as it turned out, each child has different ones that it seems they are "designed" to have!  It is thrilling that some love school (I think loving school is a virtue!), while others love time with friends (so is friendship!).  Others are being outstanding when they tell the truth; others are most outstanding when they can bite their tongue and not complain.  In addition to loving God very much, some people are just especially pious!  While all the kids love us, their parents, some are especially great at telling us so!  These virtues are just a delight to uncover.  

It was a tremendous exercise for me to articulate, and hear them articulate, what is must true about each one of them.  Clare chimed in about Leigh; Mary described Jacob.  Jake was fantastic at describing everyone's virtues.  The whole event was a genuine celebration.  These children are truly wonderfully made!  

you owe me a dollar!

     Each new year, I choose a spiritual goal.  Anne Simpson told me that her church's staff would choose and share their spiritual goals with each other, and I thought that was a fantastic idea.  Ever since, I have done the same.  The first year, I worked on humility; the next year, (since I had mastered that one! hee hee) I chose trust in God (an absolutely depraved point for me at that time).  Each year, I am offered opportunities to plow through that rocky terrain in my life, and it is painful but salacious work.  It always feels right, and I like cultivating what at first seems so impossible for me.  Since they are spiritual goals, I do not feel that I am on my own; I feel like I am opening the door for God to teach me, and God sure takes me up on the offer.  "I thought you'd never ask!" An interesting observation is that it often takes 2 or 3 years for the real fruit to be born.  During the year, I see the work; but it is often later that I have an abundance of trust/faith/joy/peace, etc. in my life.
     Last year, 2009, my spiritual goal was "getting upset well."  I did not know what that would look like, but I knew I did not have it yet!  I was weary of my own upset, and I thought everyone around me would be so pleased if I would take that on as my new goal.  As usual, I ended the year with some gains, laboring hard through the year to deal with bouts of depression and emotion deregulation.  The improvements were marked, esp. as seen with Ron and by Ron regarding others, and we both thought I had made some advances.  
     But it was not until this past few months that it extended (finally!) to my children.  Inspired by the Imago retreat we had gone on, I realized that, while I do lots of problem solving with my kids, the last card that I held in my hand and used when "necessary" was to get visibly upset.  It is "the last straw syndrome."  When I had told them to line up their shoes nicely nine times, on the tenth, I shouted.  And I always felt rather justified.  After all, nine is too many times.
      I came to realize, however, that it is frightening to live in a house with a Mom who seems pleasant but could blow up at any moment without warning.  So I determined to eliminate this trait from our household.
     I told the kids: "One punishment I have used on occasion is to shout or act scary to make you do what I want.  But I am going to get rid of that option.  So instead, to get you to do what I want, I am going to charge you a dollar ($.50 for Leigh and Clare) instead of shouting.  And then you have to do what I have asked.  BUT, if I fail to do this punishment, and shout instead, then YOU charge ME a dollar!"
     The kids eyes bugged out of their heads and their jaws dropped to the ground.  It takes A LONG TIME for them to earn a dollar--five cents to put away one pile of laundry; one dollar to rake and bag a professional grade bag of leaves and haul it to the curb.  They could not BELIEVE how much money that they could earn so quickly, if I messed up!  They glanced at each other and snickered.  The fear dissipated from the room and I could see physical transformations as they relaxed from head to toe.  Justice was replacing tyranny (Plato's Republic, Bk. X)!  I even helped them practice: they would wag their finger at me and say, "uh, uh, uh!  No scary Mom!  You owe me a dollar!"
     It was the last main area that needed transformation, and almost two years after the initial resolution, it is finally a family where "scary Kathryn" mode is not in the arsenal.

     Happy New Year's Eve, everyone!